Thursday, May 16, 2013

Waiting areas.

I am in the waiting room as my good friend tries to get some answers. Thankful for friends who are so willing to care for our girls when mommy is away. This morning i am begging The Lord for some answers to explain the pain and the symptoms of my friend. The unknown is the worst. It's in those moments where our trust in The Lord really becomes evident. Do we trust Him when we don't know what is happening or why it's happening or what to do or where to go? It's there where we quickly find out who we are and what we are about. It is our nature to want answers and direction and being able to "know the plan." But none of that is guaranteed. So will we continue to put our hope and trust in the one thing that gives us life or continue to ask why and toil and plead for answers? Sometimes we get them but often times we don't. Life is tricky like that. But thankfully Jesus is wiser and bigger and far grander than our little brains and hearts and fleeting emotions.

On my way here I stopped and got us starbucks. When I was sick we always got starbucks before or after my appointments. In some weird way starbucks seemed to trick my mind into thinking Justin and I were just on a coffee date. Not heading to chemo or surgery or more blood work. It didn't always work but at least we tried.
As I left starbucks I started crying under my sunglasses. A little
PTSD I think. But mostly as I wait I am reminded of where I once was and where I am now. Healed (thank you casey for the sweet reminder last night. you are an incredible encourager). I was sick and now I am not. Because of that I am able to sit next to my dear friend. Something seems to be wrong and we don't what. Today I pray for answers. Some explanation to all te symptoms. Glad to be on the other side of our story and able to sit here today. It is possible because in my my scary healthy story there was medicine. Medicine that worked and saved my life. I am grateful. I will never stop being grateful.

I am so emotional. I am crying as I blog in the waiting area. A nurse just came out and asked a woman (whose husband just got a scan done and is waiting to see the dr for results) if she wanted to come back there and wait with him. I pray I am wrong but I think they might be getting some bad news. In our experience they do not usually include family unless it is bad news. Kinda like when my dr called and said "hey no rush but can you come to my office in 30 minutes and bring your husband." I hope a dr never tells me to bring my husband to another apportionment unless it's when I am pregnant because I like him at those visits. They just came our crying. I knew it. Side note: I am sure often times family is asked to come to appointments or to wait with the patient because it is nicer to be with people you love than be alone. Didn't want to scare anyone.

Time to pull it together. Not sure how to end today. Hospitals are just a sad place for me today. Not all the time but most of the time. Such a bittersweet place.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

mother's day & six years

first off...thank you for all the encouraging comments on the last post. i have spent many nights re-reading them all. thank you, thank you, thank you. 

today our family is celebrating mother's day and our six years of marriage. i had no idea that being a mom to ava and lyla would give me such purpose and life and joy and that my love for justin would be more real and intimate and honest six years in. we sat at lunch today and talked about our marriage and all that we have walked through together. just one year ago i peed on a stick at barnes and noble and my dollar store pregnancy test confirmed what i sorta already knew. baby number two. the one we had prayed so hard for. that my body would be completely healed and healthy enough to carry another child. our little miracle baby. who would be even more of a miracle if she slept better at night. kidding.

on mother's day every year we sit at lunch and justin shares with me things he loves and appreciates about me. it's kinda nice. ava got involved in that a bit today with some prompting from daddy. mostly she likes that i let her watch tv, feed her breakfast, and read her books. glad those are the three things that stick out in her little mind. i do like today. i know that not every person likes today. there might be a lot of hurt around this day. for all sorts of reasons i am sure. but my hope is that every person has some woman in their life and that today they make sure they know how loved they are. you don't have to have your own kids to necessarily celebrate today. there are a lot of ladies who love my girls and are guiding them and teaching them. thankful for the people we have around us. it's a special thing.

when we celebrate our anniversary we always talk about the last year and all that it held and what we think is next. not sure why we do that since basically every year of marriage has brought some sort of surprise. some joyful and some terribly sad. we prayed hard that this year would be one of joy. i do prefer joy over hard things. i know we can do hard things. the past few years have shown us that. but it does take a hold of your heart and sometimes things never really go back to how they once were. justin says we lost our innocence when i got cancer. i think he is right. although we are young we have walked through realreal hard many of you...and sometimes it feels like your drowning. it's too sad and too scary but we do it. because no one said life would always be joyful. i have been thinking about this a lot lately. how the Lord really does have a purpose in the hard stuff. i am toiling over it all a bit. plan to write about it this week. so check back.

i like being a mom. i don't recall being obsessed with the whole mom thing as a young girl, but i am not sure so i will ask my mom. i guess it just seemed natural. i desire to create memories and take walks and get ice cream and be a mom that says yes more than no. ava often says to me..."oh, mom you say yes all the time." i am glad she thinks that because my heart doesn't always feel that way.
i have not felt "on point" lately. i don't wanna be a broken record here but i am blaming it on lack of sleep. so this past week without justin home i kinda lost it. i yelled. i cussed (mostly under my breath and in my head because ava is very impressionable). i cried. i lost my temper. i got mad easily. so ava...if you read this some day i am sorry. i am so sorry for this past week (i did tell her in person too. but you can do it more than once). for getting way angrier than probably necessary. i am going to try better tomorrow.

i think when an off day happens...we should confess, ask for forgiveness, be forgiven, and move on.  try again tomorrow. because although i would not trade being a mom for anything else in the world there is a lot of stuff about being a mom that i don't like. just to name a few: laundry, sleepless nights, a three year old who does not listen, repeating myself all day long, taking kids in and out of car seats just for one quick errand. if this were safe i would love if every parking lot had an attendant that would watch your locked car while you ran into the store for literally 2-3 minutes. wouldn't that be so nice? if it weren't illegal. i don't love unloading the dishwasher either but i am pretty sure that is just part of life not a mom thing. just me being lazy and taking for granted that a machine washes our dishes.

but as my husband shared some thoughts with me today and spoke into my heart and into my life as a woman and a mother i felt okay. i felt okay about not loving everything about being a mother or a wife. i am not a failure if it is not always joyful and fun. but my desire is that my life, my husbands, and my girls is one full of hope and purpose and laughter. i want to laugh more. i want to have fun. you know? we should all just have more fun with each other. i know people do annoying things. i sure do. justin does. i tend to harp on him about the things he is not the best at. but what if for year seven...i complimented him more. encouraged him. wrote him little notes. always said i love you. always kiss. anytime of day. you come home...kiss. you leave...kiss. you get it. just be close. be intentional. but because we get busy and we get lazy and those little things. those important little things that are actually the huge things...well they make the difference. i am convinced that the more justin and i laugh and have fun and say i love you...that is what will keep this thing going. maybe i am naive. i probably am. but i don't care. i want that. i want real. i want deep. i real deep love. so that's my goal for year seven. my goal as a mother. same thing. express my love for the girls so much that it annoys them. i am totally fine with being annoying. because life is hard sometimes and i want our home to be one of joy. where we can all breath a little easier because the pressure is off.  

i take things for granted. maybe you do to. after cancer and losing pop pop i want our life to matter. each day. every choice. the little things and the big huge gigantic things. they all matter. this will be the year. this year will not be wasted. seems like it should be the new year or something but i kinda like jump starting the year on our anniversary. so here we go.

happy mother's day to everyone out there. happy mother's day to my own mom. you shaped me into  the person i am today. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

here we are.


it's been a while. justin told me last night to stop making excuses and saying things like "remember when i had a blog..." so here i am. let me give you a little background on my silence.

i do not really have a good reason per say. mostly i think it is because the longer you get out of the routine of anything...exercising, reading, crafting, cooking (i would rather go out for every single meal for the rest of my life. just sayin'.) etc. the harder it becomes to get back into it. i am fine with never "getting back" into cooking. but alas we all must eat. it can be hard even when it is something you love. even though i have barely started to write i already feel back at home. the girls are in bed and music is playing and the house is quiet. it is also storming outside and i like it. it feels nice.

ava is in bed because she was a hot mess today so sister got put to bed at 7pm (i am screwed in the morning) and lyla was woken up from her late afternoon nap so we could meet friends for dinner so she is down. not for the entire night since she is not into sleeping 12 hrs at one given time. so i am tired. 4 months without a solid nights sleep makes one tired. but i know i am preaching to the choir since every mother out there gets it. sleep becomes a luxury once you choose to have children. but this is not where i start complaining because i know that their are many people out there who would give just about anything for a healthy little baby. we sure are thankful for our little lyla. i am just saying that i would not be mad if she decided to sleep a little bit more at night. that's it. i like sleep.

it is busy. not that i am soooo busy since i sorta hate how everyone throws that around so much. i am just adjusting to two kids and i work a little (i should for sure be writing my notes right now since i am about a week behind) and i have a life outside of this space. i guess lately i have been living my life oppose to writing about it or sharing my heart. i totally know that i can do both. lots of people are doing it. i read about it on their blogs.

but mostly i have been real insecure about my writing lately. long story short someone who maybe helps people publish books sorta looked at this blog and said they were not that impressed with the writing. i remember reading the email and getting a lump in my throat. kinda mad. kinda sad. kinda embarrassed. so i crept back a bit. a little hesitant to write. not feeling real confident in myself and my abilities and this blog as a whole. so that has been the tension going on inside my head. all different voices playing games with me a bit. not real voices. you know what i mean.

here is the reality. i am not that good of a writer. my grammar is atrocious (where to put commas and there or their. they get me every time. i know i should have learned that a long time in elementary school, middle school, high school, and maybe even in college. not sure. but i some how passed without ever being totally clear on some of the english language basics). but as i hid behind all sorts of things like a new baby, fatigue, work, laundry, and life. i just sat in those things and became more and more removed from this blog. i know that this place gives me life. it helps me work through things going on inside of me and puts words to it. it is a place where i document our families life and share pictures and share our life. i like to do that. i like to learn from other people and hopefully add a little bit of my own heart and our story to the mix.

i have a lot of excuses and even some good explanations to the absence and i am sure it is a combination of them all. i know that you make time for what matters and i guess lately other things have mattered more. i am not apologizing for it since i chose it and sometimes seasons of life look different. it has just felt like a lot. not a lot every hour of everyday but maybe when i have some free time i am choosing to read or sit on the couch or watch tv. just be. no talking. just rest. i need some rest.

so no promises. not sure the plan yet but i do have more to share so i will share it. i think i am back in that place where i am not sure what direction to go with this whole thing. maybe i do not need a direction for this blog? i really have no idea. but for tonight i am here. the girls are sleeping. justin is gone for work. it is quiet. some friends will be here soon to fill my living room and we will connect and share and all feel a little less alone in our stuff. i like feeling less alone.

i have two goals for the next 24 hours.  for lyla  to sleep well tonight (that is mostly on lyla. not much i can do. so i guess it is our goal) and for my strong little ava to listen to me. to simply do what she is told. that does not seem that hard but she has a tough time with it.

thank you for sticking with me.

finally for tonight...

during church on sunday i was reminded of the simplest truth about Jesus and how to get to know Him better and become more of who we were meant to be. i love thinking about that. the whole who we were meant to be forever. i want that. i want to grow and evolve and change. the secret to this is simple: spend time with Him. so my third goal for tomorrow is to spend time with Jesus. i guess sometimes it is tough to do it all. so i do what i can. but i am refusing to live like i am too busy for my Savior.

whose with me? what are your goals? please tell me i am not alone. please. help me out here.

my babies. they drive me crazy in all the right and sometimes wrong ways.